Guess what, it didn’t take another 2 years to make a new blog post here! This is quite the feat. I read an article somewhere that suggested I should write my thoughts down more often and keep a neutral or positive spin on things. It might help me feel better. I’ll try that today.

About a decade ago, I watched a movie “The perks of being a wallflower”, which was adapted from the book of the same title. There was a quote in the movie, “we accept the love we think we deserve”. At the time, I didn’t quite understand the meaning and didn’t bother to Google it. Regardless, I was deeply moved by the scene. The character who said it was in an abusive relationship, and wouldn’t bring themselves to step out of the abuse.

Ten years later (today), I recalled the quote while I was daydreaming at work. I finally took the time do a quick search of people discussing the meaning of the quote. I realized that I am a victim of self-loathing, without realizing it. To paraphrase what I understood from the quote; “We accept (and believe we deserve) the (abusive) love that we receive”.

I was, and am still mostly disappointed with my lack of achievements up until now. What have I been doing in the past decade? All I did was move up my career in web development, which isn’t even what my life dream was. All I did, was chase after the “path with least resistance” toward a “well-paying job” so that I can afford an ever-increasing lifestyle upkeep.

My wife says I’m in a very fortunate position. I earn almost double the average salary of white-collar workers in Japan (although there’s no way for me to verify this). I feel chained to my job though. I do mundane programming tasks for most of the year, get paid good money, then spend it on mortgages and occasional holiday trips. Is this truly living? I think this is a form of self-abuse. I’m sacrificing my dreams, my passion, my sanity, all for the sake of securing a stable lifestyle. I’ve allowed my fear of “job instability” tie me down to a mediocre life.

I think, this is the “love” that I have accepted and come to believe that I “deserve”. I put myself through this soulless routine, a job that I don’t love, and will not love me back. I’ve been indoctrined to believe that I just need to keep working up the career ladder, then one day I’ll reap all the benefits when I retire. Such is the concept of meritocracy that my mother beat into me since childhood.

But if I only enjoy the benefits after I retire, wouldn’t that be too late? A decade ago, I figured I’d become a regional manager or boss by now. I thought my ten years of work would get me somewhere. But no, that’s not how I feel at all today, and I doubt I’ll feel any better 10 years from now, let alone after I retire. And even if I do become a regional manager of a company, I doubt I’ll ever feel happy, because at the end of the day, I’m just helping someone else’s company achieve their dreams.

I remember reading a Tweet (cough I mean, “X post”) along the lines of:

Imagine interviewing a retired software engineer, and asking them what their proudest achievement was. And all they could say was something like “I wrote a little automation script that made my company millions of dollars”. Is that something they would be proud of as a life achievement?

I thought it would be soul-crushing if I made that realization in my golden years. Imagine me saying, “I worked really hard and became a regional manager. What exactly did I do? Well, I managed a team of …” and everything after that is just white noise, because who cares what I did before I retired? None of those would be related to what I was passionate about in my life. That scares me so much, I broke down in tears several times over the past year or two. Working remotely alone in my room can mess with my mental health so much.

Over the past decade, I find myself hating myself more and more. I have allowed the entropy that is life to scare me into staying complacent. I’m not confident that my skills and experience are good enough to break me out of the proverbial rat race. I’ve never understood how entrepreneurs could succeed in the midst of so much uncertainty. I blamed my poor upbringing. I blamed the lack of a financial safety net and lack of freedom from obligations to my family. But that’s a terrible way to think. Blaming doesn’t solve any problems. I did nothing to solve my own problems, so that is all on me.

I want to love myself a little more. I want to start working on my actual dreams. I’ll endeavour to be kinder to myself and allow myself to pursue my dreams. I’ll accept that the unnerving feelings due to life uncertainties are a normal part of life. I’ll learn to be better.